"i'm so mad i'm gonna kick the air!"
cheap seats at the 1985 roller derby
why this sport? why not professional line dancing, roller coaster riding, double dutch, pick-up sticks, or hot dog eating? i shall give you five reasons why:
1. body blocking is allowed in all leagues and elbowing is allowed in some leagues, though participants are not allowed to trip or intentionally punch other players. i shall overcome these obstacles and simply use my 1980s WWF action figures as an inspiration to create fictitious and scripted matches with my opponents, which shall provide great material for a future autobiographical documentary entitled: inadvertently alike: rock, paper, scissors, roller derby. (note: this documentary is not to be confused with the 1972 raquel welch fictional film kansas city bomber, or the exploitative feature unholy rollers: the leader of the pack in which claudia jenning's character quits her job as a factory worker to join the roller derby. simply livin' the dream, one elbow-jab at a time.)
2. roller derby participants generally adopt stage names and gimmicks, evoking comparisons to, as noted above, professional wresting. i shall call myself: the patronizing pseudonym. i mean, seriously, would we have ever given the unintentionally amusing mr. T a second glance if he would have used his given name, lawrence tureaud? larry? no. mr. T. 'i pity the fool who don't eat my cereal!'
3. the sport encompasses a classy music genere, namely a twin cities punk band called 'the soviettes,' releasing the 2005 'roller girls mn party mix.' and who could forget last year's single 'roller derby lady'? i'm about 88.64% positive my theme song would be 'wipeout'. yep, that's a statistically significant percentage. ah, brings me back to my days encompassed by the highly infused roller rink aroma of stale sweat, burnt pizza, and Journey.
4. the costumes. have you seen what these ladies wear? back in my kickball days we had dress-up themed games, which would be highly recommended and encouraged on my roller derby team. (ideas: wok and woller derby, wu tang clan orangutan orange rock and roller derby day, don't be a menace in roller drerby while drinking your juice in the hood, etc.) i would also like to incorporate 'the blindfold challenge' into at least three out of seven weekly work-outs. and pie.
5. absurd pickup line potential. example: 'hey, wanna come into my penalty box?'. it's amazing how intentional jaw jabbing can unintentionally cause a jaw to drop.
so there you have it, kids. i would get squashed like the M*A*S*H theme song if i were to realistically participate in this league, but hopefully you are now more aware about the pros and chucks of this obscure sport.
yep.
why this sport? why not professional line dancing, roller coaster riding, double dutch, pick-up sticks, or hot dog eating? i shall give you five reasons why:
1. body blocking is allowed in all leagues and elbowing is allowed in some leagues, though participants are not allowed to trip or intentionally punch other players. i shall overcome these obstacles and simply use my 1980s WWF action figures as an inspiration to create fictitious and scripted matches with my opponents, which shall provide great material for a future autobiographical documentary entitled: inadvertently alike: rock, paper, scissors, roller derby. (note: this documentary is not to be confused with the 1972 raquel welch fictional film kansas city bomber, or the exploitative feature unholy rollers: the leader of the pack in which claudia jenning's character quits her job as a factory worker to join the roller derby. simply livin' the dream, one elbow-jab at a time.)
2. roller derby participants generally adopt stage names and gimmicks, evoking comparisons to, as noted above, professional wresting. i shall call myself: the patronizing pseudonym. i mean, seriously, would we have ever given the unintentionally amusing mr. T a second glance if he would have used his given name, lawrence tureaud? larry? no. mr. T. 'i pity the fool who don't eat my cereal!'
3. the sport encompasses a classy music genere, namely a twin cities punk band called 'the soviettes,' releasing the 2005 'roller girls mn party mix.' and who could forget last year's single 'roller derby lady'? i'm about 88.64% positive my theme song would be 'wipeout'. yep, that's a statistically significant percentage. ah, brings me back to my days encompassed by the highly infused roller rink aroma of stale sweat, burnt pizza, and Journey.
4. the costumes. have you seen what these ladies wear? back in my kickball days we had dress-up themed games, which would be highly recommended and encouraged on my roller derby team. (ideas: wok and woller derby, wu tang clan orangutan orange rock and roller derby day, don't be a menace in roller drerby while drinking your juice in the hood, etc.) i would also like to incorporate 'the blindfold challenge' into at least three out of seven weekly work-outs. and pie.
5. absurd pickup line potential. example: 'hey, wanna come into my penalty box?'. it's amazing how intentional jaw jabbing can unintentionally cause a jaw to drop.
so there you have it, kids. i would get squashed like the M*A*S*H theme song if i were to realistically participate in this league, but hopefully you are now more aware about the pros and chucks of this obscure sport.
yep.
posted by jodi.2 at 11:47 AM
17 Comments:
jodi....HAH.... youre a freakin nut. perhaps a walnut. no no...you said you wanted to be the jar of planters nuts. because youre a full jar of nuttyness. right...mmmmk. now that weve got that covered. for 2.5 seconds i actually pictured you as a roller-derby-ist. it was quite the visual. lol. but anyway- going now. xoxoxo- debs
I missed you, you freak!
....and that is the PERFECT job for you!
P.S. OYO.OLE!
I never know how to comment when you go and post crazy shit like this!
so...erm...yes?...i don't remember...now...lemme think...what was the question?
quote: "and pie." I agree!
Do you want this frosting? I'm full
Sooooooo, you decided to do it, huh?
How did those rollergurlz persuade you, Jodi.2?
Wink.
sounds like fun. can i be on your team? i was quite the skater back in the day.
1. Will that 80s WWF action figure be modeled after your former governor? (The otherwise amazing state of Minnesota will never live that down).
2. Given the positive qualities espoused in point one, perhaps you should consider Thai Boxing. I studied the sport for fourteen weeks, wherein i sort of learned to punch, but mostly just learned that the sport has no rules. If you manage to knock you're opponent to the ground, you're free to kick them in the head. It's just a little violent.
3. Roller skating birthday parties were a staple of my childhood. Yours as well?
4. What exactly is the point? Just to make it around the rink as many times as possible before getting knocked over? Or to knock everyone else over? I am perplexed.
5. Because i need parallelism.
LOL!
I don't know what to say either.
But that's awesome! =D
all I can manage to gather up is...
YES!
you never know how much you will love something until you try!
You are crazy. Very crazy. And that is a compliment.
jagged: i would prefer to be a jar of planter's honey roasted peanuts with the sealed aluminum (not to confused with aluminium)lid.
edilma: como se dice "freak" en espanol? ricky martin? (who, by the way, was born enrique martin morales. perahps he's related to, uh, carmen. shake your bon bon. or, just eat them peggy bundy styles.)
jayneeey: -3.1415926535 gold star bonus points for forgetting your question ... yum, pi(e).
minnie: i was not persuaded by rollergirls, i was persuaded by star jones.
heizner: only if you wear your JNCO jeans and STUSSY t-shirt to our blindfolded practices. NO FEAR skater.
jessica: 1.) while jesse "the body" ventura (born james george janos aka b-o-r-i-n-g) most likely cannot even spell the word "gubernatorial," at least he can pronounce it more adequately than the republican governator out west. 2.) pad thai + my box = thai boxing. sweet. 3.) cheepskate? roller garden? stale popcorn? 4.) the rules involve jargon including 'blockers,' 'jammers,' 'pivots,' and 'pack.' therefore: i have no idea. 5.) virgo.
addie: you can make the team banner, if you'd like. i enjoy jackson pollack-like splatters, glitter, and puff paint.
mc: thank you for the compliment. as homer simpson once said, "marge, you're as pretty as princess leia and as smart as yoda."
thank you for playing.
I know nothing about roller derby but based on your decription it must be a rip roarin' good time.
LOL as I was reading the whole post. You talk to star jones? Ha!
Yes she is very influential.
SHIT! minus pi(e) points!
Ok now ima kick ass in the quickfire round! What's the prize again?
GO!
I think roller derby, and all I see is that Power Stripe deodorant commercial
tiger blue: i will be replacing ms jones with my barbwa wawa bit. watch out rosie.
jaynee: prize = cake. duh.
twinkle: sticks? no. stones? maybe. roller derby clearly rocks.
Whoo.
Loved Gilda Radnar as barbwa wawa. HaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHa!
Gotta go find some clips of that.
What a shame she left us so soon.
Idea just popped into my brain. If Gilda was still here. A skit with barbawa wawa and rosie as star jones. It would be priceless.
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sometimes understanding jodi's mind is like understanding the reverse triangle inequality.
That's a great story. Waiting for more. » » »
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